WHERE'S PIP

END TO END IN 46 DAYS Or

 

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story

And this is not a good story.

 

 

The seven P’s

 

Prior Preperation and Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

 

You can never go wrong if you apply the 7 P’s (Can you?)

 

 

 

Introduction – The nightmare unfolds

 

In Jan of 2015, I thought why not do the end to end, well I was at a party drinking. Having done Wainwrights C2C & Offa’s Dyke walks for Charity before how much harder could it be. Yea right, it’s never a good idea to plan and state you’re Intentions when an idle one or twenty has been drunk.

 

With a hangover and remembrance of the party the night before slowly filtering through the haze and fog’ the words sprang into my head like an avalanche of unwanted shit, with the thought thereafter of “I Said WHAT?”  Pray tell, even worse was told to me, whilst friend’s giggled and held me accountable “you even said that you would complete it in 46 days”. My friend’s are nasty Bastard’s, I don’t like them really. Horrible creatures, the lot of them.

 

The word that crept into my mind at being told this devastating news The word which would become a key word throughout the next 8 months, the word that I will remember as the END to END, the word that will give me nightmares whenever I hear it pronounced is “ Bollock’s”.

Yet again I have dropped myself into a pile of manure, only this time it’s so deep that it is lower than whale shit.

 

However I am a positive person, always one to look on the bright side and remember the glass is always half full, I sprang into the challenge. What I mean is I ignored it and hoped that everyone would let it drop, forgetting that it was ever said, a silly boastful comment said in jest, in jest I say.( me Thinks the chap protest’s to much me Lord)

 

My friend’s are nasty Bastard’s as I’ve said, The Nasty bastards forget!!!!! Hmm me thinks not. Within a day or so I was inundated with “good luck mug” messages and little gifts like plasters and tape, links to walking sites, yes walking sites “ stop it I can hear you thinking” and other little gifts and suggestion’s, Nasty Nasty Bastard’s.

 

However I am a positive person always one to look on the bright side(have I said this already) and remember the glass is always half full (I hate that glass) I thought I’d better look towards the 7 P’s. I was in the shit and needed to start digging my way out. I would however when digging oneself out of the shit prefer a shovel not a Bloody tea spoon, but hey Ho Positive mindset was needed. I always think better whilst having an idle one so proceeded to the pub with Bas to start work on the task ahead, How to get out of this end to end walk. Hmmm there was only one answer. kill all my so called friends

Those so called friends that always seem to have good memories during and after a piss up but then become senile old git’s two days later, Nasty Bastards Kill the lot of them.

 

 

 

After looking at various ways in which to eliminate my so called friend’s it dawned on me that I really should take this seriously, now if you knew me you would dismiss that statement immediately as I have the mentality of an 18 year old and even now at 5.5 years of age I am immature and have never grown up. I am here only the once so have and will, enjoy every moment. Bollock’s do I really have to do this? This does not sound like enjoyment to me. It sounds like dedication, training, sensibility, and a grown up attitude is required. I really am in the shit, how the hell does one do that? I know get someone else called Pip to do it for me, Yea ha problem solved, then I awoke from my slumber and my first thought was Bollock’s. 

 

Realisation crept up on me from behind; it was slow with dark and thunderous clouds surrounding the word. It is a word that is always accompanied by that dreadful sinking feeling that gnaws away at the stomach, regurgitating that pitiful last meal that death row prisoners must feel. Realisation that I had no choice but to undertake the undertaking. I thought of emigrating but realisation that horrible despicable word that should be in the same category as Bollock’s kicked me in the stomach and kept gnawing away until I said OK OK I will bloody well do it, Bollock’s bollocks and more Bollock’s. The gnawing stopped. Realisation stopped, realisation was accepted albeit reluctantly, Oh deep joy!!!!

 

The 7 P’s, this is the beginning, this is the key, this is the start of all targets, so off to the pub with bas to think it through, I like the 7 P’s

 

 

Planning the route:

 

The first objective was to decide whether to do North to south or vice versa. So Onto Google to see if John O Groats looked like it could hold a good piss up for endex? Answer: Bollock’s it could, what a hole, mien got in Himmel, I couldn’t go on the celebration lash there, I would end up hanging myself through boredom. Hmmm start point agreed then John o Groats it is. Get there and then double out on route as quickly as possible, In fact I think I will depart as soon as I get the Photo taken at the start point.

 

That settled I looked at Lands end for endex, it had to be better than Jog. Hmmm whilst it had a hotel ( Bloody expensive as well) there, it did not look like one could partake in a pub crawl and have a party, Hmmmm problems already major significant ones as well. Where can I have a final celebration piss up, Problem problems bloody problems?

 

Solution Penzance, it’s not so difficult this problem solving, it really came to me in a flash it did honest it did did did. Final two nights in Penzance, walk final day to lands end with a hangover, then back to Penzance (in a taxi) for a party Yea ha.

 

Ok that settled I have to include in my walk three Locations.

JOG to start, Penzance second to last day and LE final day.

Bas then slurred something I didn’t quite grasp; we were planning so therefore we were in the pub. He can never pace himself, like a few others I could mention eh Phil, Kenny, Jack, Geordie, Bas, Mac, Terry, Jock, JP, Dave C.

Bas then came out with his thoughts on my planning thus far as I gloated and started planning the Piss up. What’s your route in-between Penzance and JOG? (umm, I don’t know!!) remember you said you would complete it in 46 days.( did I? ) Penzance to LE is only 11 miles, (is it?) so you have rather a lot of miles to cram in the remaining 45 days.  I bloody hate sensible drunken bastards; He must be a friend of mine as he is a nasty bastard. Problems bloody problems.

 

JOG accommodation booked, check. Well when I say accommodation what I mean is, I have booked into what looks like a 1950’s diner out in the wilderness (ok just 300 yards from JOG). I feel as though I should hire a moped, mod outfit and learn to Jive, it looks that old and I don’t feel as though I will be racing to get there.

 

Unlike Wainrights c 2 c and Offa’s dyke the end to end has no specified route, so out came the Rac UK road Map and it was a matter of choosing a rough suitable route in order then to buy the maps so a detailed route could be planned. Easier said than done. I then read some blogs from people who had done the end to end, but there was not really a lot of detailed information within those blogs so I was definitely on my own. My god I’m sounding sensible and a grown up, remember the 7 P’s.

 

Ok the Basic plan.

 

Locate rough daily locations,

Order maps,

Plan detailed route, for daily trek,

Book accommodation,

Sort training programme,

Weight (no not mine, although this would be an issue for some I could mention. What weight would I be carrying and what kit would I be taking, however that is for later)

Get friend’s to walk some way with me, (Harder than one would think, they are all Fat nasty bastards)

Feign an Injury 2 days before the Trek, Cancel all bookings, I think I might break my little toe nail.

Bollock’s its really happening.

 

 

I suppose that when planning rough daily location’s and distances to be covered, one has a perception that 25 miles a day is nothing really. Did I just say that? On a Rac route planner the terrain does look flat, an absence of contours on the RAC map can be quite deceiving and give one a perception of an easy jaunt, a stroll amidst the summer sunshine and beautiful scenic countryside whilst one contemplated the question of why people contemplated the word why, or why they would even try to contemplate that most difficult of question’s. Contemplating the word Bollock’s however is far easier.

 

Still, back to reality, a basic plan was initiated and the detailed maps covering my rough route were ordered. As the maps arrived, I then along with bas (who was later to cause chaos with the planning) planned my daily route and then booked the accommodation to suit.

 

Shit, Basic flaw in the planning, how do I get to JOG to start with? Bas had given it no thought what’s so ever, bloody useless he is. Just as well I’m supervising this planning lark.

 

The first shock was attempting to get to JOG on the Sunday, no Trains, no flights, and no nothing. Is it really a tourist attraction? Do they want to keep the delights of JOG to themselves? No they simply hate spending money like all jocks and Jog is shit and they know it. So if an idiot (Stop it I can hear you) wanted to do the end to end he could find his own way there with no help from the jockenese. Plan devised and all will be explained later.

 

My second shock was the route from JOG to somewhere on Day 1 of the Trek. Down the A99 to Wick? Not bloody lightly. Whilst I don’t mind walking on roads, the A99 is like being on the dodgem’s. Hmmm alternative location needed. There were two basic Problems as I saw it:

 

• It seemed like I Had no choice but to walk roads.

• I like a pub to stay in (only so I can medicinally replenish the lost fluids of course)

   

  Watten on the map had a pub and accommodation, route to it was minor roads and tracks, distance 18 miles. Accommodation available, check, and booked, check. That seemed like a good start to the trek. 18 Miles leaving at 0600 hrs would see me in by 1130, plenty of time then to do my admin and of course assess the local tavern. I think at this stage I should point out that I am sacrificing myself in order to highlight to any of you who are stupid enough to a) read this and b) walk it. By sacrificing myself I mean that normally I would seek refuge at night in a church so I could pray for my soul and seek deliverance from my own stupidity( I know i could be in there for months). On this trek however I am forcing myself to book taverns or B&Bs with a tavern nearby and forcing myself to sample the drink, so people who follow will have a good idea as to what the Scottish hospitality is like. Say thank you Pip for your sacrifice.

   

  This planning is piss easy!!!!

   

  Now Scotland does not make it easy for one to plan and execute the said plan, if one could call it a plan. They like to throw in a few curve balls such as terrain, lack of amenities, lack of country routes, making one have to look at trogging down roads playing chicken with trucks and robin reliant’s driven by dell boy who’s running from the drug dealer’s, before throwing one’s self in the hedgerow as a car towing a caravan with the kids hanging from the caravan door trying to get back in overtakes a Porsche. Yep the bloody pikeys were here. I thought my grunt days were over. Bollocks.

   

  It seemed that for the first seven days I had no alternative but to be a grunt and trog the roads. If that is the case let’s get it out the way as quickly as possible. Up the mileage as I now knew there was no avoiding the A99 and the A9, oh deep joy.

   

  From Watten it would have to be Dunbeath, Helmsdale, Golspie, Tain, Dingwall, then to East Lewiston.128 miles on bloody roads in 6 days. Dig Deep, Bollock’s, I did not even wake up I was already awake!!!!!!!

   

  Now there was a funny side to this and that was when I rang a B&B in Helmsdale on the 15th Feb, Lovely lady, but I knew there might be a hick up when!! In fact here is the conversation, Please let your Imagination run with you as you read and picture the scene as it was far worse than you can imagine. It really did happen Honest guv it did it did

   

  RING RING RING- Answered --- Hellooo

   

  Pip – Hello, I am doing JOG to Le Walking for Charity and I am arriving in Helmsdale on the afternoon of the 12 August and wondered if you have a single room available?

   

  Lady dotty – Helloooo, Hellooo    David I can’t bloody well hear anything on this wee telephone, did you change the batteries on my ear piece, - What? What? Helloooo

   

  Pip – Hello do you have a single room on the 12 August please?

   

  Lady dotty- Dinner shout missy I can hear you fine, Single room tonight,

  I think we can fit you in, what time are you arriving as I have to change the sheets yet.

   

  Pip – Hi, no I am not arriving tonight – its August the 12th

   

  Dotty – no it’s definitely the 15th of Feb. dear. Would you like breakfast?

   

  Pip – Hi, it’s the night of the 12 August I will be arrivinggggg, and I was wondering if on the 12 August you would have a single room available, not now but in August, the 12th in fact, would you????

   

  Dotty – would I what?

   

  Pip – Have a single room available on the 12th of August?

   

  Dotty – of course I have a single room, when did you want it for?

   

  Pip – The 12 August.

   

  Dotty – eye

   

  Pip – Eye what?

   

  Dotty – eye I have a room, you have a deep voice for a lassie, missy,

   

  Pip – On the 12 August? And I am a man

   

  Dotty – Eye

   

  Pip – Great does it have en-suite?

   

  Dotty – no

   

  Pip – ok no problem is there a bathroom I can use?

   

  Dotty – eye, it’s a shared one though, I do need to put a lock on the door though, Derek said he would do that 3 years ago.

   

  Pip – Ok how much is the room?

   

  Dotty – oh lassie you can use the bathroom for freeeee

   

  Pip - The single room how much is that?

   

  Dotty – och the room is 23 pund but the bathroom is free hen

   

  Pip – Great can I book the single room please?

   

  Dotty – when would that be for?

   

  You get the idea, I have a reserve booking elsewhere, but it seems this will be fun, can’t wait to meet Dotty.

   

  By the End of February, all accommodation had been booked, all maps had arrived and I was committed. (I think I should be) At this point I should explain how Bas and I worked out our daily mileages. In Scotland we were restricted by Locations to stay in and available routes from one location to another. The west Highland way was one that we could plan in as it is a well known and recognised route. So our initial planning was to get to fort William and then hit the WHW. Mileages in Scotland and down to Carlisle were modest averaging approx 19 miles per day. From Carlisle the average went up drastically, in order to get to LE on the 46th day. I will list the locations later, under the Title How far. The word of the day on our planning became a “minimum of”. This was due to the fact we only took our initial gestimates as the crow fly’s, hmmm don’t let bas have an input to the planning.

   

  On one leg Bas planned the route. Here is the conversation of that day

   

  Pip- How far?

   

  Bas- well, it’s like this, I thought I counted the miles as 24

   

  Pip- That’s cool

   

  Bas- well it’s not, its 27.5 miles (A minimum of)

   

  Pip- Christ Bas, I leave you to plan one day and this is what you come up with, I’ve got Geordie with me and he will never make it.

   

  Bas- I know I thought it was funny, and I’m not doing it with you, remember that’s a minimum of.

   

  Pip- You Tosser (revenge will be sweet)

   

  I later got my revenge as Bas is walking the final 12 days and I have snuck in a 29 miler. I of course will be walked in by then, he will not.